I knew that minute that the tires hit the stone that I was in trouble. I heard the passenger door open. My body tingled and burned and my mouth went dry. A few years earlier I had been sent all over the north east to try to figure out why I would faint and had irregular bp and heart rates. It came back from the doctors at the Children's Hospital - Harvard that I had a rare syndrome where I have allergic like response to my own adrenaline. SO I'm blessed at this point that I didn't do what I usually do and faint. Instead I ran- I ran as fast as I could. To this date I know it was God who was moving my legs because all I could think of is that rape was sure to come.
I went down into the ditch and across a field that they had cleared for a new housing development. When the passenger seen that I was going into the field he got back in the car and they proceeded to drive after me. Screaming and laughing. This was a game a hunt for them. I had one thing going for me. I know this land I know the Forest and line of trees that have been my refuge as a child so I ran -ran to them. I'm not sure at what point they turned the car out of the lots that they were clearing. I was to scared to turn back. I prayed and ran and cried. Tears no screams. No voice.
It took what seemed like hours to get home - it was more like minutes. My Dad was working in the backyard and seen me running up thru the fields and knew I had taken the road. I made it to my porch - my front door. Then right there once I knew I was safe I screamed a license plate number and dropped to the floor. I crawled commando style thru the house yelling for my mom.I will never forget the look on my moms face. My face, hands, chest, and legs all covered with blood but I wasn't even aware of it - had no idea - no pain. I had ran thru tree limbs and a barbed wire fence and had no clue.
My father jumps into his truck to see if he can find the car that I described and my mom calls the police. As I sit there alone I finally see the passenger's face. It was a look of hate and anger. What had I done to make him want to hurt me.?Wrong place - wrong time? I'm thankful that the day ended as it did. The police came and made a report. But why did this happen to me? It seems that I am often a target of men's anger. Even till this date. It makes you wonder if it's a trait that you are born with. A personality flaw?
It wasn't until 2 weeks later that 2 other girls in my area went missing - one found raped and killed and the other one found dead a few years later that the police came back to revisit my case since the time and vehicles were similar. All the details were foggy then. Locked away deep in my brain that only like to come out at night.
I was lucky and God wasn't finished with me yet.
I tell you this story because it's the beginning of how my story book childhood went astray. I think that night was the first night that the nightmares began and sleeping pills came into the picture. 18 years later I still have to take Ambien 2-3 a night topped with 2-3 zanax. I sleep very few hours and when I do sleep it's with a light on and wake up screaming. I cry in my sleep which usually sends my husband sleeping in another room. To sleep one good nights sleep would be one of the greatest things. No dreams just sleep- secure. Will that ever happen? Probably not till that day I'm wrapped in Jesus's arms safe from anger, hate, and violence.
I have a scar from the fence. It's my lucky scar. The other two girls weren't as lucky. I'm thankful for the scar. I used to cover it up with makeup. I don't anymore. It's my battle would- a battle that I physically won and I owe to the other two girls to live my life and try to do good things with the the gifts that God gave me. He gave me a gift to smile, to give with an open heart, live and to love people and I wasn't going to let their evil and their anger take my happiness and God's original plan away.
Austin always touches it. Wonder whats it from -Children have away of knowing things - I tell him its a reminder of how much God loves me and how he meant for him to be able to touch it and ask about it.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Interesting for me probably not for you
If you know me you know I love to talk and share my opinion. So this could be dangerous- giving me a spot that I can say what I want. I did this for awhile on myspace and realized that I had way too much to say and have a terrible flaw of misspelling things. So, if you get hung up on spelling and grammar you better stop reading. I'm going to use this as my daily journal so if you don't want to know what's going on in a crazy 35 year old females head leave now. Run as fast you can.
I guess I'll tell you a little about me so you will understand my blogs. I have a lot going on in my life right now. I am a wife, a mother of 2 (5 and 7 year old boys), a therapist at a nursing home which makes for lots of stories, a daughter who doesn't call home enough, a 1st grade children's ministry teacher, a volunteer at my churches food pantry, a cub scout mom, and right now the biggest thing -a survivor. Of what? you will have to read future blogs to find out.
I'll tell you about my childhood. I lived on a farm of 300 acres in upstate NY. I spent most of my days alone roaming my parents land and finding all of God's beautiful treasures that he has put on this earth for us to enjoy. That's where I get most of my Tomboy traits. I would spend from sunrise to sunset out in the fields fishing, climbing trees, picking berries, hunting wildlife to ADMIRE not to kill, and staring at the stars with a flashlight and astronomy book in hand. I had a bike and a four wheeler and 300 acres was like a whole planet for me to explore. Till this day I can tell you every berry patch, ever stream, and every climbable tree on that land. I had a great childhood. With a few bumps, a year in and out of the hospital at 16 diagnosed with a rare heart condition, and a broken heart along the way its was like a storybook.Well until one day.
When I was a freshman in college I still lived at home and still looked very young. I had decided to go for a walk on the road that I had lived on for 18 years. A road that I could walk blindfolded and backwards.
I can still remember that day well. It was a hot sunny day. Perfect day for a walk. I put my hair up in a ponytail and that probably took another few years off of my face. I put on my headset with my James Taylor tape in and off I went on my daily walk.
You know they say that you should change your routine up if you walk or run? Nobody told me this. Why would they have to? I mean I live in a place that everyone knows everyone and if a strange car is in the area everyone knows it. Or do they? They don't - but I wouldn't find this out till later.
I can still see that car. A stranger. They say you have a 6th sense. I feel like more like It's Gods way of telling you something is wrong or right. I felt it. That day I felt fear - danger. FEAR that screamed this is not right. the car had come up from behind me. I heard the car and had walked over into the grass to allow them plenty of room to go around. It seemed they were going too slow like they were maybe going to ask me for directions. They didn't. For the next mile on the straight away I could see they were going to slow to have a destination and I picked up my speed. A jog. If I could make it a little further up the road I would be close enough to a house that maybe someone would hear me scream. - you know when your scared a scream doesn't come out? Your voice becomes a traitor. Another lesson learned on that day. Then I seen that very same car coming back towards me. Do I look to tell them I'm not afraid. I don't. I pick up my speed and click my tape player off. I'm not sure how long it was before I heard the car come up behind me again. Seconds....minutes..........? The tires made a sound in the stones on the edge of the road that still till this day makes my skin crawl.
I guess I'll tell you a little about me so you will understand my blogs. I have a lot going on in my life right now. I am a wife, a mother of 2 (5 and 7 year old boys), a therapist at a nursing home which makes for lots of stories, a daughter who doesn't call home enough, a 1st grade children's ministry teacher, a volunteer at my churches food pantry, a cub scout mom, and right now the biggest thing -a survivor. Of what? you will have to read future blogs to find out.
I'll tell you about my childhood. I lived on a farm of 300 acres in upstate NY. I spent most of my days alone roaming my parents land and finding all of God's beautiful treasures that he has put on this earth for us to enjoy. That's where I get most of my Tomboy traits. I would spend from sunrise to sunset out in the fields fishing, climbing trees, picking berries, hunting wildlife to ADMIRE not to kill, and staring at the stars with a flashlight and astronomy book in hand. I had a bike and a four wheeler and 300 acres was like a whole planet for me to explore. Till this day I can tell you every berry patch, ever stream, and every climbable tree on that land. I had a great childhood. With a few bumps, a year in and out of the hospital at 16 diagnosed with a rare heart condition, and a broken heart along the way its was like a storybook.Well until one day.
When I was a freshman in college I still lived at home and still looked very young. I had decided to go for a walk on the road that I had lived on for 18 years. A road that I could walk blindfolded and backwards.
I can still remember that day well. It was a hot sunny day. Perfect day for a walk. I put my hair up in a ponytail and that probably took another few years off of my face. I put on my headset with my James Taylor tape in and off I went on my daily walk.
You know they say that you should change your routine up if you walk or run? Nobody told me this. Why would they have to? I mean I live in a place that everyone knows everyone and if a strange car is in the area everyone knows it. Or do they? They don't - but I wouldn't find this out till later.
I can still see that car. A stranger. They say you have a 6th sense. I feel like more like It's Gods way of telling you something is wrong or right. I felt it. That day I felt fear - danger. FEAR that screamed this is not right. the car had come up from behind me. I heard the car and had walked over into the grass to allow them plenty of room to go around. It seemed they were going too slow like they were maybe going to ask me for directions. They didn't. For the next mile on the straight away I could see they were going to slow to have a destination and I picked up my speed. A jog. If I could make it a little further up the road I would be close enough to a house that maybe someone would hear me scream. - you know when your scared a scream doesn't come out? Your voice becomes a traitor. Another lesson learned on that day. Then I seen that very same car coming back towards me. Do I look to tell them I'm not afraid. I don't. I pick up my speed and click my tape player off. I'm not sure how long it was before I heard the car come up behind me again. Seconds....minutes..........? The tires made a sound in the stones on the edge of the road that still till this day makes my skin crawl.
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